I delight in Christ.

the christus statue

north visitors center

temple square, slc, utah

Tonight, I had the most incredible opportunity to hear from Elder Callister who currently serves as the General Sunday School President.

Brother Callister is the author of one of the most indepth books written on the Atonement of Jesus Christ titled, The Infinite Atonement. During a Mormon Channel Conversation with he and his wife, Sheri Dew commented that when they (Deseret Book), first received the transcript, everyone wondered who this man was. Today, he is known for this quintessential book.

As Elder Callister spoke this evening to my ward on the subject of the Atonement, I could feel the Spirit tearing at all my "fleshy parts, or shall I say, the fleshy tables of the heart." I've always thought that to be an interesting expression that seemed somewhat grotesque; however, as I found myself having this experience, I had this distinct impression: Fleshy tables of the heart are attended to. When weaknesses bleed, we do something about them. We care for them. We tend to them. We notice them. We feel them in all that we do. We seek to heal them and we do what it takes to make it happen because with every breath, we are reminded of its presence and of the need for healing.

And so it must be for us. To truly live the gospel of Jesus Christ, we must actively be participating in utilizing the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As Elder Callister shared tonight, Jesus Christ's suffering, death and resurrection gave Him 4 powers: 1) to overcome death through the resurrection, 2) to cleanse us from sin and remove the guilt associated with those sins, 3) to overcome weakness and imperfection and 4) to comfort us from common ailments of life such as loneliness and depression. The Atonement has so much to offer us, Jesus Christ has so much to offer us, but we have to accept it, embrace it and utilize each of these powers He so willingly offers us.

And so, tonight, I feel as C.S. Lewis described in his book Mere Christianity, "

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Tonight, I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I delight in His mercy and His grace. I delight that through Him, there is a way to defy the laws of justice and become perfected. To be able to return home, home to my Heavenly Father one day. My soul delights that no distance is too wide, no cave too deep, no scar or scab or wound too much for the healing balm, He offers ever so willingly.

So, let the walls be ripped down, let the house feel hurt and fleshy and all its parts lay bare for all to see. For I know that His ways are bigger than my ways and his plans, more grand than my mind can conceive. 

I delight in knowing forever.

grandma's funeral

april 2014

Grandma would have loved the gathering of people who all came together on Tuesday. As I saw face after face, heard memory after memory, got hug after hug and laugh after laugh, I couldn't help but think...she just would have loved this.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to speak of just some of the things I love and admire about her...her wit, her sarcasm, her honest to goodness love for people and her outstanding ability to make and keep friends and to let people know that she was thinking of them. These are just a few things, but they are things that have made an incredible impact on me.

I have much more I want to write and will write. Many more pictures I want to post and will post. And many more things to share, but alas the time is far spent before the next adventures in my life. :)

And so, I delight in knowing that forever is forever.

I also delight in knowing that because of him, this is not the end and that we will all live again.

I delight in inspiring and inspired work.

Portrait of Christ, the Savior: I am the Way, the truth and the Light

Heinrich Hofmann

In reference to this picture which was his own personal picture of the Savior, Mr. Hofmann said,
"I wanted to hang it over my bed and when I went to rest in the evening, it should look at me, earnestly scrutinizing and ask: Have you lived this day in my spirit according to my commandments?"

"In his lifetime many people questioned Hofmann about his model for the boy Jesus. He responded, "when I read about Christ in the Bible, there areises spontaneously before my fancy a picture of him which I try to retain and reporduce--that is my only prototype."

-Heinrich Hofmann refering to his picture Jesus in the Temple

I felt so deeply touched by the Sacred Gifts Exhibit at BYU this weekend.  I love art and I love my Savior so the two combined was incredible.  At the beginning of the movie there was a statement that said this exhibit brining together the works of Bloch, Schwartz and Hofmann was 12 years in the making. How incredible is that? There is something to be said for being able to see the originals. I feel like there are aspects and meaning to the picture that aren't and really can't be expressed in a print. 

I delighted so much in a sweet volunteer who as I was looking at the last picture in the exhibit (at least in the order I went), Jesus Teaching in the Temple, who pointed out that in all of Heinrich Hofmann's faces of Christ looked the same. As I looked at other pictures, I immediately recognized that she was correct. She told us that he had prayed to receive a vision that he could know Christ and how to paint him. She said that Carl Bloch used models. As I revisited paintings throughout the exhibit, I realized she was correct and the art became even more deeply moving to me. 

I love that Mr. Hofmann had such a love for the Savior that he painted this picture above for himself. That he might make sure that his life was in line, that he would not just paint the Savior but pray and seek to really know Him and to live his teachings.

I delight in light.

I'm really good at writing things and deleting them. It's been happening all week. I so want to bear my soul to you but I clearly recognize that this is not the time, nor place. But here's what I do have to say and what I do have to share.  

I am grateful for sunshine. But I'm even more grateful for the shadows that prove the sunshine is there. I'm grateful to know what is wrong so I can know what is right.  I'm grateful for hard times because I treasure the good times more fully. I'm grateful to know what it is like to be unclean so I can appreciate being cleansed. I'm grateful to know tribulation so I can appreciate calm. I'm grateful to have experienced anxiousness so I can feel peace.  I'm grateful to have experienced pain so I can appreciate feeling good. I'm grateful to experience sadness so I can seek happiness. 

I delight in experiencing both sides of the spectrum. I am especially grateful today to my Savior Jesus Christ, for the infinite virtue of his great atoning sacrifice. To know that everything that is unfair about life can be made right through Him. To know that He has provided a way for us to return home to live with our Heavenly Father. I'm grateful He experienced such pain, sorrow and grief so that we can one day be redeemed from the things of the world and be cleansed in preparation to return home to God. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son.

What the message of Jesus Christ means to me?

Like i previously mentioned, I had a commenter ask about what exactly the message of Jesus Christ is. That question has been so overwhelming because its so broad and beautiful, but I can tell you what it means to me.

The message of Jesus Christ can be summed somewhat summarized by the first 4 articles of faith Articles of Faith:

1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

The message of Jesus Christ is that there is a plan that was decreed long before the worlds were created where our Heavenly Father, presented a plan for all his children. This plan is known as the Plan of Salvation or the Plan of Happiness. Jesus Christ, the firstborn of the Father and Only Begotten was chosen to be our Savior and our Redeemer.

And now to quote from Preach My Gospel (Chapter 2, Lesson 2, The Plan of Salvation):

We will all suffer physical death, but Jesus Christ overcame the obstacle of physical death for us. When He died on the cross, His spirit became separated from His body. On the third day, His spirit and His body were reunited eternally, never to be separated again. He appeared to many people, showing them that He had an immortal body of flesh and bone. The reuniting of body and spirit is called resurrection and is a gift promised to each of us. Because of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we will all be resurrected regardless of whether we have done good or evil in this life. We will have a perfect, immortal body of flesh and bones that will never again be subject to disease, pain, or death. The resurrection makes it possible to return to God’s presence to be judged but does not guarantee that we will be able to live in His presence. To receive that blessing, we must also be cleansed from sin.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, to overcome the obstacle of sin in addition to the obstacle of physical death. We are not responsible for the Fall of Adam and Eve, but we are responsible for our own sins. God cannot look on sin with any degree of allowance, and sin prevents us from living in His presence. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live with God again. This is possible through exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.

To fulfill the plan of salvation, Christ paid the penalty for our sins. He alone was able to do that. He was called and prepared in pre-earth life. He was the literal Son of God in the flesh. He was sinless and completely obedient to His Father. Though tempted, He never gave in to temptation. When the Father asked His Beloved Son to pay the price of the world’s sins, Jesus was prepared and willing. The Atonement included His suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and His suffering and death on the cross, and it ended with His Resurrection. Though He suffered beyond comprehension—so much so that He bled from every pore and asked whether it were possible that this burden be lifted from Him—He submitted to the Father’s will in a supreme expression of love for His Father and for us. This triumph of Jesus Christ over spiritual death by His suffering and over physical death by His Resurrection is called the Atonement.

Christ promises to forgive our sins on the condition that we accept Him by exercising faith in Him, repenting, receiving baptism by immersion, and the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost, and striving faithfully to keep His commandments to the end of our lives. Through continuing repentance, we may obtain forgiveness and be cleansed of our sins by the power of the Holy Ghost. We are relieved of the burden of guilt and shame, and through Jesus Christ we become worthy to return to the presence of God.

As we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

In paying the penalty for our sins, Jesus did not, however, eliminate our personal responsibility. We must show that we accept Him and that we will follow His commandments. Only through the gift of the Atonement can we return to live with God.

I love that second to last paragraph when it states, "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." I think that is the central message. As children of a loving Heavenly Father, he wants us to know that there is a plan that not only helps us here in mortality but also in eternity. He wants us to know that he has provided a way for us to return back to him, back home. He wants us to know that this gift of the Atonement is here for each of us to utilize in our lives so that things can be made right. In the four gospel writings in the New Testament of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and in the writings of the prophets in the Book of Mormon who wrote of Christ appearing to the people in the Americas, I never cease to be amazed by just how many times Christ invites Come unto Me. (My favorite Come unto Christ scripture can be found here: 3 Nephi 9: 13-15)

And not just Come unto Me in your good times or in the times when life is good, but Come unto Me with your burdens, with your weakness, with the things that are hard, with the things you don't understand, with your pain, your sickness and your infirmity.

Christ invites us to Come to Him, to learn of Him, to be healed through His Atonement.

I love the way that Elder Jeffery R. Holland puts it:

It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.”

My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid life’s many pitfalls and problems. I know of no other way for us to carry our burdens or find what Jacob in the Book of Mormon called “that happiness which is prepared for the saints.”⁶

So how does one “come unto Christ” in response to this constant invitation? The scriptures give scores of examples and avenues. You are well acquainted with the most basic ones. The easiest and the earliest comes simply with the desire of our heart, the most basic form of faith that we know. “If ye can no more than desire to believe,” Alma says, exercising just “a particle of faith,” giving even a small place for the promises of God to find a home—that is enough to begin.⁷ Just believing, just having a “molecule” of faith—simply hoping for things which are not yet seen in our lives, but which are nevertheless truly there to be bestowed⁸—that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair.

And so, the message of Jesus Christ means to me to come, come and learn of him, come and be healed by him. Come and learn of his commandments so your life can be filled with peace, joy and happiness. Come and learn that his gospel has been restored to the earth today, that there are prophets on the earth leading and guiding the Lord's true church and that God still speaks to man today.

I know that as we learn of Him in any small way and express our desire to learn more of Him that he will send the Spirit of the Holy Ghost to testify to our souls that He lives and that The Plan of Salvation is the Plan for all of our Heavenly Father's children. We can pray to know of these things for ourselves. That is how I have come to know what I know and for me, it has made all the difference.

Please see: http://mormon.org/beliefs/jesus-christ for further information
Please contact me with any further questions by leaving a comment or emailing me under the email in my profile.

-----
broken things to mend, elder jeffery r. holland
the atonement can secure your peace and happiness, elder richard g. scott
where is the pavilion, president henry b. eyring
missionary work and the atonement, elder jeffery r. holland
the atonement can clean, reclaim and sanctify our lives, elder shayne m. bowen
*mormon message

on this easter sunday

happy easter. i love easter, possibly more this year than ever before. while i always seem to get sick on easter/the week of easter (this year was no exception), it gives me more the opportunity to reflect on all the blessings in my life that i recognize because i know my savior lives.

holidays are an easy time to reflect back on my experience as a missionary. because it was such a precise day i remember exactly where i was, where i went and what experiences i had that day. as i awoke this morning and watched my favorite easter conference address none were with him, i remember watching it with an investigator the in middle of snowy miramichi. because easter had fallen on a sunday that year, my companion and i had been able to attend another denomination's easter service (because of the time delay, conference wasn't on till the afternoon). i remember thinking...but this holiday is about how he lives, not that he died. yes he died, and yes that is important too, but to me the most important thing is that he lives. 

as i have reflected on that fact, that he lives, i think of what that means in my life and how that empowers my life. i have read a few talks and things that have impressed me this week. recently i have been studying the subject of grieving and i guess this easter holiday its kind of all come together. i've studied mourning in the past as well, when the word occurs in the scriptures, the circumstances that surround it, the attitudes of the people, the perspectives reflected in the writing, commonalities, differences, etc. maybe elder holland and elder bowen say it best in their respective conference addresses (none were with him and "because i live, ye shall live also")

first, elder holland:

Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of theHoly Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” ²⁰

My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosain our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,” ²¹ for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

and elder bowen:

I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost.

What a glorious blessing this is in our lives. Wouldn’t it be tragic if we didn’t feel great sorrow when we lose a child? How grateful I am to my Father in Heaven that He allows us to love deeply and love eternally. How grateful I am for eternal families. How grateful I am that He has revealed once again through His living prophets the glorious plan of redemption.

Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket—wondering if your heart would break.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.”⁵

I testify that, as stated in Preach My Gospel, “as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”⁶

I testify that on that bright, glorious morning of the First Resurrection, your loved ones and mine will come forth from the grave as promised by the Lord Himself and we will have a fulness of joy. Because He lives, they and we shall live also.

i have recently been reading a book by sister wendy ulrich called the temple experience, in the part i read yesterday she discussed the difference between being cured and being healed. i had never thought of those words in contrast but i immediately caught where she was headed. being cured refers to being brought back to how you once were; but being healed "involves a spiritual and emotional reweaving of our life story to incorporate, not merely remove, our injuries. it involves growth and personal change, maturation into a new state of deeper trust in god despite, not in the absence of, suffering. it includes acceptance of our lost innocence, while reaching toward greater wisdom (p. 8-9)."

the savior heals. he comes with compassion and he heals us. his atonement is all about making healing possible in our lives, regardless of the wrong we have done or that has been done to us. i know this to be true and that's why i am 100% confident in saying, as preach my gospel says, "all that is unfair about life can be made through the atonement of jesus christ."

let us be confident in our heavenly father's plan for all his children. let us utilize the atonement so we can trust jesus.

---------
none were with him, elder jeffery r holland
"because i live, ye shall live also, elder shayne m bowen
preach my gospel
the temple experience, wendy ulrich

I delight in letting things go.

shadow proves the sunshine

                                                                                                                           sacred grove, palmyra new york

                                                                               july 2010

I'm really good at holding on to things. Rocks I picked up in Montana 20 years ago, a set of stamps I bought when I was 8, notes from friends I received in the first grade, pennies I sent through the penny smasher in Yellowstone when I was some single digit age. If I've been holding on to that stuff for so long, you can only imagine all the things I've held onto since then. You've got the picture right?

Well, this week I had a break through. Okay, maybe it was only half a breakthrough, probably not even that. I realized that it takes me such a fraction of the time that it used to to let hurtful things go. Events of the week played out a perfect stage for disappointment. I always have high hopes that someone, anyone will step up to the plate and that things will 'turn out different this time.' I am always disappointed and this time proved no different. Don't get me wrong, somehow I convince myself to be extremely optimistic about the situation every time but alas things turn out being all too familiar and again I am crushed. But I'm crushed a lot less permanently and resiliency springs into play. Really, it's forgiveness first and resiliency second. We all make choices and we can all learn from the choices we make and we can choose to make better choices in the future. Of this I am certain and continually hopeful.

If I haven't lost you, well then consider yourself lucky because I might have lost myself at this point. You see, I see no good in playing out specifics because a time will come when I'll read this and go...hum I wonder what that situation was? I don't know but I'm glad I learned something from it. If the specifics were here, then I'd read it and be hurt all over again. I know myself that well.

Back to the resiliency concept for a moment though...it's a word we don't hear too often. And yet, this week I've heard it twice. In the Ensign Magazine that arrived today there was an article on Raising Resilient Children, and what great suggestions and experiences are shared to help facilitate it and if not facilitate at least get us starting to think about it. The other moment I heard about it was in a research study whose population was families of children with autism and down syndrome. It was a study comparing parents of both.  I'm not a parent of both but a sibling of both. As I read the research article, it struck a cord with me. We are forced to either crumble or be resilient, especially in times of trial. I'm not sure how my parents taught me to be resilient but they did and I'm currently working to figure out how they did such a good job. Probably because they themselves are the best examples of this term. The ability to spring back into shape after bending and compression...that's resiliency and that is a skill we all need.

And so, here's to letting things go. Here's to saying to ourselves choose the higher road, forgive and move forward. Act, don't just be acted upon. Here's to brighter tomorrows that are full of hope. Really though, it comes back to this..."All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." (quoted from Preach My Gospel: A Guide to Missionary Service). That's really the source of being able to get through tough times, whatever they may be. Its also the source that enables me and helps me to let go of things that really don't matter and focus on the things that really do.

I delight in the busy crazy.

Life is so much better when I'm busy.  When I finished school, I was suddenly un-busy and had to find ways to be busy (hello crafts!) but alas, with the start of work and the onset of various activities/events/happenings...life has again become busy with a capitol B.  But...I love it and now have a new appreciation for it.  (enter "lessons of grad school"--that's a good list I'll have to share one day).

So to recap the highlights of my delights as of late:
1. I have been spending a lot more time outside to make up for all the time I spend inside and mostly away from windows.  Fishing, kayaking and even four-wheeling have been some of those outdoorsy activities and I can't believe how much I have missed them over the past two years.  Oh life.  Oh sun.  Oh Christin singing while we fish--see video below.  :)  There is just something about being in the middle of a lake by your own power (rowing!) that is so empowering and perspective lending.  It is a beautiful blessing and an all around peaceful experience.

2. Speaking of LB, whose name is really Christin (my sister) but whom I call LB, I really delight in her use of the word "mostest."  I also delight that she refers to the family dog Ruby as an 'angel puppy' even though Ruby is constantly jumping on her and running away with someone's shoe.  Usually mine.  I also really delight that at the end of a long day, I can come home to someone who will just give me hugs because that's usually what I just need at the end of everyday.

3. I really delighted in Sunday for a myriad of reasons.  Mostly because awesome Sister Anderson aka Katie came up for a visit.  We were in the same district in the MTC but she and another Elder went to Australia while the rest of us went to Canada.  Meeting back up for church on Sunday though was just like we'd been friends forever and I loved it!  I reminisce about my days as a missionary and it was SO nice to have someone to do it with who could really appreciate it.  And it just so happened that both the Sunday School and Relief Society lessons were about missionary work.  Coincidence?  NEVER!  Oh happies!  Better yet though, Katie and I read through the quotes I had written down from the MTC and we laughed till we almost cried.  The BEST!

4. I have been delighting in my job.  I'm still in the "I'm new/training stages" of my job, I still love it.  I'll just love it more when I get to finally BE an SLP and not have to learn lots and lots of billing/insurance/documentation/safety and fire regulations.  It currently hurts my head, and makes me SO grateful for the awesome office staff secretaries--they make it all happen and know SO much!

5. I delight in the unexpected.  You just never know what is going to come next and I'm slowly learning to embrace that fact (don't fight it, invite it!).  A friend asked me last week how I was dealing with my life changes, particularly a few I had been a bit (or a lot) pessimistic about.  I told her I was trying to have a change of heart by changing my attitude.  President J (my first mission president) always said "Attitude is Everything."  And you know what, he was completely right.  Attitude really is everything.  It is like an infection because it affects everything you do, everything you think and everything you are.  Since we can rarely change our circumstances to be just the way we'd like (or in other words, our idea of perfect), we can find another way to make it through...by changing our attitude.  Mind you...I'm still working on this (thank heavens life is a work in progress because I by no means have it all figured out) but I think realizing it, is a step in the right direction.  I'm hoping at least.

6.  Finally, I'm really delighting in and grateful for hope.  Hope of a new tomorrow.  Hope of future change.  Hope through the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation which truly is THE Plan of Happiness.  Hope in the promises the Lord makes to his children.  Hope in the ability to act and not just be acted upon.  Hope in perspective.  Hope in Christ.

This is a little video from LB and I to you.  Made in the middle of the lake.  

i delight in family and history.

pearls of history 

(grandpa on the left, grandparents engagement photo in the middle and grandma on her tricycle on the right)

taken in the 1920s and 1940s

scanned by erin

Today was a really great day.  I put life together again in my room so I can stand living in it for however long I'm going to be here.  :)  I live so much better in clean, tidy and organized space.  Now to keep it that way...again :)  I spent time with my Mom.  Revision: I spent a lot of time laughing with my Mom.  We laughed a lot today at my house: this morning at breakfast, this afternoon about "Mary Problems" and tonight about the funny things people say when they're in denial about their life and circumstance (thank you dad, for sharing your experiences and for not making us share it firsthand with you).  I got to go bowling with my friends for the last time for a while (hello work starting next week!)  It's always entertaining.  And it always reminds me that one day I will learn why people with down syndrome stutter so much more frequently than the general population. I voted. I went to institute with katie, who always makes me smile and who i am so grateful we served in the same mission, even though we were both there together at the same time for a day but it has bonded us for life.  Talking with her always seems to make life manageable and happy, and of course, full of laughter.  Institute however was not a laughing matter but it was beautiful. We talked about the atonement of Jesus Christ and watched this video.  It is the first depiction of Christ's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane that does not have any music or commentary or anything going on simultaneously, except the sound of crickets.  I realized how much background influences my emotions.  The gravity of the 'aloneness' set in, and my heart was and still is so full. It was so personal.  Please take 8:30 minutes to watch it.  The conversation that ensued afterwards was uplifting and powerful.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to gather with hundreds of other young single members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on a weekly basis, to feel of their strength and hear their experiences and testimonies.  I am always uplifted.  Finally, I got to spend time scanning pictures of my family.  I am always intimidated by family history.  My brother Craig knows it all and he is the family history guru.  He has our history memorized--dates, names, cities, relations, EVERYTHING.  He informs us of birth dates and death dates of loved ones who have passed on.  He notifies family members when he learns of the passing of a family member that was related to them.  He puts information on our family and other families on the church's family history site.  He gets phone calls and emails with questions, and thank you's regarding information he has provided.  Craig searches hundreds of newspapers everyday to see if in the obituaries, there is a relative that has passed away.  If there is he prints it out and keeps a record of it.  See where my intimidation comes in?  I know nothing. He knows everything.  At the beginning of the year though, I was determined to do something more than indexing so, I decided I was going to learn what my ancestors looked like.  Now that may sound strange so let me explain.  It is so much more powerful to me when I am hearing a story about a person to have a face pictured in my mind to whom I can attach the story to.  I am blessed to have known all 4 of my grandparents very well (and still have 3 living) and to have known 3 of 8 great grandparents.  But I have no visual image of any other family members.  So, I am collecting pictures of relatives.  The goal is 4 generations but really, there is no limit.  My goal is to organize them into a visual family tree (but really, I'm up for gathering as many pictures as possible and the stories to go with) so I can understand and know what they looked like so I can think of their picture in my mind when I hear something about them or about their posterity.  A visit to my Grandpa this weekend made at least he and my grandma's portion of that rather easy.   It has been a special experience to look at each picture one at a time and think about how it must have been.  There are stories I know, stories I want to know and stories to be recorded.  But starting with pictures, is my first step.  The day is now over, and this is probably as recorded as it is going to get.  It has been a delightful day that is ending right where it started, in my bed.  Good night. 

a trustworthy gut

My mom could quote me on a statement I made just a little over a week ago that went something like this: it's interesting that a lot of the people I work with could have gotten help earlier in their neurological event had they acted on their suspicions that all was not right.

I am now quoting myself, on lesser of a severe scale than having a neurological event however, if I had recognized the signs that I myself was sick and had gone to the doctor a week ago, the last 3 weeks of my life could have been a lot more....peaceful.

Now I sit here thinking...why don't I trust my gut more reliably to actually act on what I feel? I've talked previously about never suppressing a generous thought and although I know it is something I should always do, I still question myself at times. And sometimes, I don't even let myself think about it long enough to act on it, dismissing the thought before the possibility of acting on such a thought.

Tonight at institute, we talked about the second coming of Christ. At the end, Brother Clayton asked each of us to identify something we would work to change to be more prepared. Too many things came to mind, but the overriding thought that I think could positively influence a lot of different areas is: to become quick to observe and act accordingly. While I appreciate my mind, it talks my heart out of doing a lot of things.

I'm grateful to be a work in progress. The keywords being work and progress.

I delight in integration.

"Pondering often precedes contentment."

During a Sunday School discussion of 2 Nephi 31-33, the same word kept coming to mind.

Integrate.

As a "Graduate Student SLP" I have spent a bit of time working on thought integration with patients. Particularly those with right CVAs (or cerebral vascular accidents, otherwise known as a stroke). These discussions are usually quite challenging because thought integration is something typically severely impacted in a right CVA injury. Essentially, it is what it sounds like, integrating all the pieces of the information to complete a thought, idea or concept of a particular subject.

For example: if you saw a picture of a woman, a table set for 2, pots and pans on the stove and a clock that read 6:00, you could reasonably conclude (often without really even thinking about it) that this is a picture of a woman likely waiting for another person to arrive so they could eat dinner together. They're having something hot for dinner because the food is on the stove. Additionally, you could probably also assume that she was waiting for her husband to get home from work to share the meal she has prepared.

Easy enough for you and I, but for others this can and is extremely challenging.

Integration. We do so much of it automatically. But what about the times when we don't integrate what we see and know with our actions and our attitudes.

I think Nephi's final message and plea is for us, the readers of his words, to integrate the teachings of the doctrine of Christ into our lives in so much that it changes the way we act, the things we do, and the way we view ourselves and our relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ.

To integrate, we have to read beyond merely what is written on a page. We must ponder. We must apply. We must assimilate what is being said to us--our day, our life, and our individual situation. Hence, the quote above, "pondering often precedes contentment."

When we have taken the time to ponder a concept and integrate it--apply it to us to the point that it could be reality--then we can be more easily be content with our current situation and remain hopeful about the good things we know are to come. Knowing, understanding, and integrating the doctrine of Christ as found in 2 Nephi 31-33 can help make this a reality for us.

***Post inspired by the talk: Content with the Things Allotted Unto Us by Elder Neal A. Maxwell, Member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, given April 2000.