"And I wished I'd never invited them."
Its a sentence someone told me today that cut me to the core. While it could have offended me, I know better than that...choosing to be offended by this person would have left me in a large field full of offenses by now, no that wasn't the way to handle the situation. No, today it cut me to the core in that it has caused me to ponder the attitude behind the statment all day.
But what to say in response to this line, I had no idea. She was relating a story to me about how she had invited my family including my Autistic brother to come over and visit some extended family when they had dropped by. She--full well knowing the Craig has such a hard time with little kids but is so anxious and ever excited to be around the family members, invites all to come and gather at her house. Now my brother, Craig, does fabulously around people as long as they mind their manners. No getting after children, no raising voices, no crying, screaming or hitting and he's great. The aforementioned things, he does not understand their use--its a pragmatic issue that most kids with Autism have a difficult time with, understanding emotions, reasoning and having the ability to see things from the perspective of another person.
And so, while the family is all together, she (of all people who knows better) gets after one of the kids. This of course is cause enough for Craig to 'lose it' (a term which I use to describe a scene I don't care to describe in detail).
And her concluding remarks of the story were:
"And I wished I'd never invited them (meaning Craig and the rest of my family)."
It was like her responsibility, her role in the story was inconsequential. She wished she'd never invited him because he threw her earrings, because he threw and broke her 5 dollar pedometer, because he caused a scene. But my immediate thought was: "how is this his problem?"
Most of us have the opportunity to know better. We can help those who don't know better or who are unable to know better. We can help them to have successful experiences by changing our attitudes and our behavior even when it maybe inconvenient or difficult for us to do so. We can find joy in our ability to be accommodating to help others be happy and successful.
One example that comes to mind. My brother Craig loves going on rides. I'm not talking a ride around the block either. Craig has 6 different rides. Each ride is between an hour and an hour and a half long. On the ride you can't deviate from the directed course. Each has a specific course outlined and honestly...all we who drive it often are on auto-pilot, meaning we've been doing this for many many years.
When I was little, Craig's apparent (in my mind) need to go on rides was so annoying. I mean, things in my life and the the life of my family would be delayed because Craig just had to go on his ride. I spent so much time being frustrated with this little thing. Honestly, I think the rest of us all did sometimes.
But now, years later, we're still rotating through this same system of rides. But our attitude has changed. In fact, sometimes the family all piles in together to go on these relaxing rides. They have become a part of who we are as a family--its just what we do. We allow these rides to bring us closer together instead of dividing us apart. "What ride was it today?" A common question asked in our house.
For me personally, changing my attitude changed my heart. While the daily 'rides' brought me absolutely no satisfaction--I began to see how happy it made Craig. I began to understand that I was blessed with the ability to not require such routines and as such, I could be patient with him, my dear brother who does. I could even volunteer to take him on such rides. As a result of my change of heart--some of my most favorite conversations with Craig have happened as I've driven him around on his rides.
While this may seem silly. I would ask you to think about what brings joy in the lives of those around you. Is there some little thing you're stubborn about doing because you think its strange or it maybe inconvenient or a little out of your nature, routine or schedule? Now ask yourself, does the joy it would bring to the other person possibly outweigh the burden it places on you?
We are a service oriented people. I believe that it is in all our hearts to want to help those around us. Opportunities really are right in our way. Do not let them pass by saying 'sometime--i'll try' GO, DO something (anything) today. Let us be slower to pass judgement and more willing to open our hearts and do all we can to make the lives of those around us better.
