week 1: the intention fail

One of my goals this year is to write more.

I used to be a religious journal writer, then grad school happened and I've never really jumped on the bandwagon again. Its not the first time I've mentioned this here, and yes, technically this is a written record but not a good one, and not a complete one. However, if someone really wanted to compile my life...its there, just in fragments of planners and journals, blogs and study books. Alas...

One year, I broke it down week by week and this year, I want to do the same. Even if I can just post once a week, its better than nothing.

Lessons of the week--
1. Vertigo is bad but having PT friends who know vestibular and balance is good. Somehow, I acquired the condition of a 50+ year old and had loose inner ear crystals running amok in my semi-circular canals. It was rough. But then dear Joann fixed it! I am forever grateful and am grateful that I am not always as nauseated as it made me feel for 5 out of the last 7 days.

2. I get an eye twitch when I'm real nervous and when I'm sleep deprived its worse.   Fortunately, I think I'm the only one who can see it; however, I feel really awkward.

3. If one can make friends with the security guard, one can park on any level they want! The security guard told me twice this week that I could park on the second floor! Not that it really matters which floor I park on... :)

4. I should always park in the same place in City Creek. Otherwise, I will invariably spend a lot of time trying to remember the first view I had when I came up the elevator.

5. I know nothing about chocolate but I did taste some of the best in the world this week! And delicious balsamic vinegar and sipping vinegars. Now, if only I had time to cook with it all!

6. I can talk about child language for a really long time.

7. I love feeding disorders and am so impressed by my incredible staff and their knowledge and skills.

8. I have mission ptsd from getting bit by a dog and a close encounter with a scary dog the same day...large dogs running toward me will cause me to look really really panicked. And I don't feel bad about it.

9. I think I've learned to say no even when I really want to say yes and vice versa. Because that's not confusing.

10. I've conquered some fears this week. Fear of failure. Fear of judgement. Fear of being perceived incorrectly. Fear of crushing egg shells. Fear of asking for help. Now these aren't permanent conquerings but every step counts.

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At the end of the week, I haven't been as intentional as I'd like to be. But I have found consistency in habits I haven't been consistent in before. I've been more forgiving of my own short comings and my "new years resolutions" that haven't gone as perfect as I'd dreamed. I choose to intentionally fail and to intentionally try again tomorrow and the next day and every day thereafter.

general conference: now is the time to serve a mission!

Now is the Time to Serve a Mission!, Elder Richard G Scott

Earlier this year (so you know, 6 days or so ago) I got thinking how much I miss knowing conference as well as I did on my mission. As a missionary, I knew who said what, what they talked about and could quote things from conference and I loved it. I want to be able to do that again!

So, I've decided to share some of my favorite conference talks, the ones that have made a particular impression or ones that have stuck with me for one reason or another. I also want to write more about what I learn from current conference talks.

I'm starting with one of the most influential talks I'd ever heard at conference up to this point in my life. In April 2006 I was just finishing up my freshman year at BYU. I'd learned a lot about hard work, learning to live independently, learning to be my own person, to stand up for myself, to speak up and to forgive. I'd learned a lot about being brave and working hard. I'd learned a lot about love and failure and God. I'd learned about the gospel, about friendship and about the real value of failing at something despite great effort. Needless to say, I was also very jealous at this time that guys my age were on missions and I was stuck home going through a really challenging first year of college when really I just wanted to be on a mission too. It wouldn't be until 2 years later that I would make the decision to serve but this talk set me on a course of preparation.

The line from this talk that I still remember today is this: You will never regret serving a mission, but you most probably will regret not serving if that is your choice.

Isn't that so powerful?

There is so much wisdom in this statement that applies to my life even today in regards to regrets and opportunities.

Elder Scott changed my life for good that day. And the Spirit began to work on the desires of my heart more than ever before. I know that what Elder Scott said is true. I have never ever regretted my decision to serve the Lord as a missionary. My mission wasn't perfect, in fact it and grad school are fairly tied in terms of the most trying times of my life. It was the experiences I had as a missionary that make me reflect back and say...Erin, you did that...you can do this. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of a person, a place or an experience that I had, or all three. It has influenced my life in every way for the better. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew that "now" was the time to prepare for a mission.

I delight in reaching for things.

a giraffe at the zoo

summer 2013

Last night, my mom was telling me that she had asked LB (my little sister, approximately 5'2) to go get some paper towel. Now the paper towel is kept in the cold storage room on a high shelf. My mom assumed, LB would go ask Craig (who was already downstairs) to help her get it down. 

LB returned a while later with two rolls of paper towel. When my mom asked if Craig helped her, she proudly responded that she did it all by herself. She then went on to tell my mom how she got a long poster mailer and used it as a stick to get the rolls down that she needed. She glowed with pride that she had done it by herself, my mom smiled that LB had been so resourceful as to figure it out on her own using the tools she had available. 

Three days ago, I was at Smith's doing some grocery shopping on what is, the worst day of the year to grocery shop, New Years Eve. I'd gone for yogurt, and left overwhelmed by all the people. While there, I saw a really cute basket on the top shelf, I reached up, got it down, examined it and put it back. It was the only one. The next day, I went to the Dillard's sale, this time completely expecting all the people who would be there for this adventure. As I wandered the purses, a woman tapped me and asked if I was tall enough to reach a bag on a high shelf. I reached up and grabbed it and gave it to the woman. She thanked me and that was that. 

Yesterday, I was taking down Christmas decorations and needed to hang something on the rafters in my storage room. The nail was there, but I was too short. I decided, if I held the bag in my hand just right, I could probably jump and hang it and so, it took a couple tries but I did it!

Now, why the stories about reaching for things that are out of reach? Well as a tall person, I rarely have this problem. I rarely, rarely need assistance to get something I need from a shelf at home or abroad. I put things up high all the time, because I can and because it would be wasted space not to. What I am terrible at is asking for help when something is out of my reach because it does happen. Because I am so used to "doing it myself" the rest of the time, I'm terrible at asking for help when I need it. After all, I'm the one people ask for help. 

This independence that I feel is sometimes ridiculous. I need to be better about asking for help, admitting I can't reach or that I need assistance. We weren't sent to be an island, we were sent to be a family, a community, a collaborative to make it through together, to return together. Reaching is a simple reminder to not let my pride get in the way of my progress on my path.

2016: an intentional year

from my instagram:
"I love a new year! A fresh start. A clean slate. A beautiful spotless future. I've been doing this #onelittleword thing for 5 years now. I have focused, survived, thrived, and radiated. But this year is my favorite word yet: "intentional."

Last year, I was along for the ride and literally flew by the seat of my pants, often coming home and crashing at the end of the day or spending time doing whatever because I was too tired to do something worthwhile, to do something intentional.

Well this year, I want to be more intentional about the time I have. If I'm working, I'm working. If I'm relaxing, I'm really relaxing. If I'm spending time with others, then my whole head and heart are in the game! Intentional is all about making a good life happen in the million moments that make a life! Here's to a great year! A fun year! An intentional year!"

________________
And that you have it friends, my word of the year. I'm really excited about it! And I'm extra excited because for me, writing on this blog should be intentional. I think about why I started it in the first place...as a way to contribute good to the world. That means that this is meaningful time on many levels. 

First, it's meaningful because it causes change within. Delighting daily changes the way you see the world. You find happiness and joy in the little moments. You appreciate the small things. You take opportunities you might have otherwise let pass by. Writing about these moments is powerful because in order to do so, you have to retain them and remember the impressions you've had throughout the day. You have the opportunity to look back and reflect on the day you've lived and to be grateful for what you've experienced.

Second, it's meaningful because it's positive change. A quote I recently ran across states: Comparison isn't just the thief of joy, it's the thief of everything. Keep your eyes on your purposeful path. Celebrate others. Celebrate progress, not perfection. Cultivate gratitude over comparison. Gratitude turns what we have into more than enough." (Lara Casey) Cultivating an attitude of gratitude (thank you President Uctdorf) changes everything.

We live in a world where comparison happens almost below our radar, almost imperceptible. We look at social media with the mindset that we just want to stay up on our friends lives and know what they're up to. I don't know about you, but I know that that is my intent, but it can so easily fade into comparing their haves and my have-nots and I learned that it goes both ways.

So how do we recognize and respond appropriately? By intentionally delighting daily! We cultivate gratitude in our hearts for things that bring us joy. In this process we recognize God's hand in our lives, the hand of kind neighbors and friends and we develop spiritual eyesight to see with greater perspective and appreciation all the countless blessings the Lord has provided for us. We examine our lives in a new way and see the world through a new lens. Our kindness grows, our compassion deepens and we find root in keeping our eyes on our purposeful path, contributing good to the world in whatever way that looks like for us.

Third, delighting daily is meaningful because it contributes good to the world. This is at the heart of why I delight. My life mission statement is as follows: "It is not enough just to be good, you must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you, must be spread to others (President Gordon B. Hinckley)." We live in a world where good and evil are polarizing and we're all on the field, just deciding which team we are going to play for. The outcome has already been decided though (thank you God's Plan of Salvation for all his children). With our actions, we choose what we will add to the mix. Will we add stubbornness and pride? Will we add pessimism and a bad attitude? Will we add joy and happiness? Will we add compassion and love? Will we add diligence and perseverance? I admit, I add a little bit of everything sometimes, but ultimately, my heart desires most to contribute something good. Be it a smile or a compliment, a helping hand or a hug. Even if it just provides people a place to read something and by the end feel uplifted, then I have contributed good.

My invitation to you is to join me. Join me here in the comments. Join me in your own blogs and social media ways. Join me by delighting daily, by intentionally contributing good to the world and by being a little kinder.

I delight in 2015.

erin's highlights from 2015

---hiked the wave (FINALLY!)---went to the top of the eiffel tower---
---bought a house---
---started a new/additional job---read books contently at the cabin---
---went to the louvre---went to asha in denver---
---had dinner with sus and her sweet boys in denver---had dinner with katie anderson in denver---
---rode a train to the top of europe (jungfraubahn)/bought the most expensive train ride of my life---
---ate belgian chocolate and waffles in belgium---ate french croissants in france---
---ate swiss chocolate in switzerland---ate german chocolate in germany---
---paid 3 euros to get my passport stamped in lichtenstein---
---worked at the salt lake temple as an ordinance worker on saturday mornings---
---went to white pocket/the outerspace of utah---
---went to a byu basketball game---went to a jazz game---
---hiked in the mountains---went to cliff and wade lakes---went on fun dates---
---institute with annemarie---temple nights with mary---enjoying my sweet sissy---
---throwing parties with my sugarhouse roommates---1 year israel reunion---
---10 year weber high reunion---taking daniel home with rachel afterwards---
---hiking antelope island with nat, jd and clarke and porter holding my hand all the way---
---dinner with friends---art market/walk in the rain with cambrie---
---sweet text messages from christin/she learned to text---
---sweet last visits with grandpa bandley---breakfast with dad and grandpa mcquivey---
---fourth of july trip with christin---
---flying over the hudson bay with a full moon reflecting in its icy waters---
---house hunting with dad and christy---ikea and litza's with mom and LB---
---going on walks in sugarhouse---visits in the park with melanie and her sweet kids---
---play time with carly, kennedy, paige and the twins---
---watching the sandlot on a baseball field---farmer's market in slc---
---worked in the brides room of the slc temple through the summer---create nights---
---payson temple open house---learning and doing feeding therapy---attending usha--
---swiss days with mom---grandpa and dad helping me move---
---being the ward choir director---
---christin and swim meets---fall leaves drive to guardsman pass---
---house projects every friday with dad---ikea trips with dad---teaching relief society---
---thanksgiving pie making with christin---decorating my home for christmas---
---pumpkin palooza---diet cocalada's---

I delight in Christmas.

I'm such a fair-weather friend to this blog. At the end of the day, I don't want to be on the computer anymore. I wish that would generalize to all technology. Alas, I'm going to ring in the new year on a social media detox. Signing off facebook for a while and downsizing my instagram feed. My goal for 2016 revolves all around me doing more living myself and less living through others.

However, its not 2016 yet, its still 2015 and better yet its Christmas 2015. I love Christmas and this year, I think I love Christmas a little more. My house became a home this Christmas and for that,  I will always be extra grateful!As Christmas filled my home, so did the Spirit of my Savior and his love for me. I've grown up with such a good model of how this can happen because Christmas at my parents house is magical and has been magical every single year. Today, I was sharing a story about Clyde, our elf, and a new friend of mine said, "Wait, do you have young siblings?" To which I replied, they're permanently young at heart! Something I am so incredibly grateful for!

The other thing that has filled my home recently is music. Being called as the ward music co-chair has been such a blessing in my life! I am incredibly grateful for a mindful and prayerful Bishop and a Heavenly Father who knows what I need. Music has been a blessing in my life for my entire life. Somehow I'd forgotten how it soothes my troubled soul and raises my view beyond the horizon of what I can see. I'm so grateful for Christmas music. For all the ways it blesses my life.

This holiday season, I am particularly grateful for a testimony. My testimony. The last line of the hymn "Testimony" expresses how it blesses me, "As testimony fills my heart, it dulls the pain of days, for one brief moment heavens view appears before my gaze." I'm not saying my life is painful but, I am saying that there are things that my heart desires and yearns for on a daily basis, a family of my own, sweet children of my own to love, care for and bless and while it in no way burdens my everyday, there are moments every single day when I am reminded of the things that are not yet mine. However, I know that eternally, I am both a wife and a mother. I am so grateful for an eternal perspective and the possibility of Eternal Life! I am grateful that the Lord can open my eyes and ears to the blessings and opportunities that surround me.

I know that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father who loves us so completely that he gave his Only Begotten Son so that we may return to him. I know that everything that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that the true gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored in its fullness today. It is available to all through covenants and ordinances in the Lord's houses which are scattered all about the world. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that God loves families. He loves my family. He is mindful of my family and he is protective of all families everywhere. I know that we have a Prophet who speaks the will of God today. He is an inspired man who leads, guides and directs the church with his Apostles. I know that God has a plan for all his children and that it truly is a plan of happiness.

I wouldn't be surprised if I don't post anything again until after Christmas and so, I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Love always,
Erin

I delight in my twenty-eighth year.

 

happy erins from twenty-eight

Dear twenty-eighth year, 


Twenty-eight! Where did you go? Life is all about living and  this year, you worked hard and played hard! You got a new job, worked on finding your place on a leadership team, managing staff, getting to know processes, training, teaching and building trust. You challenged yourself with feeding therapy and you continued to drive yourself to continue to refine your professional skills. You played hard and made some serious progress on the bucket list. You hiked the wave and went to white pockets. You went to Europe and specifically, the Louvre. And...you bought a  house! But we'll get there. 

This has been a year of many things: work, play, friends, family, balance, imbalance, refinement, craziness, flexibility, organization, disasters, joy, heartache, broken, light and darkness, happiness and hope. Through it all the Lord has been there. He has been so merciful. That mercy has come in many forms but one was being able to serve as an ordinance worker in the Salt Lake Temple for the past year. Sacrificing Saturday mornings was hard; however, the Lord taught us that sacrifice truly brings forth the blessings of heaven, and that when you put the Lord first, everything else falls into place and He prepares a path for you. That service has not only kept us grounded but has buoyed us up. Never ever forget the things you have learned while serving in the house of the Lord. 

Living in Sugarhouse was a dream this year. You had awesome roommates and the Spirit was so easily felt in your home. You had an incredible ward. You challenged yourself to be vulnerable. You had the pleasure of teaching Relief Society and what a blessing it was in your own life. 

You brought me more "sister time" adventures this year! We have frequented the Pizza Pie Cafe, Chick-fil-a on Monday nights. We have sung songs, danced through target, and played at the cabin and the zoo. Christin even learned how to text and use emoticons this year. She's also an instragram wiz these days! 

You have been a year of loss. Most recently, Grandpa Bandley passed away. I will always cherish the day I felt impressed to go see him just a month and a half before he passed away. I visited him while he enjoyed lunch, we walked the halls, watched the birds, reminisced his childhood. Then he "rode" me out to my car, inspected it to make sure it was clean and then waved and "danced" as he rode the wheelchair back in. He and Grandma's puzzle picture now sits in my house. It makes it real that he really is gone. I truly appreciate that he was always consistent in his love and support for me. He was always proud of me and what I was doing. He was always checking up to see if I was dating anyone and assuring me that things will work out in their time. His love has left an impression on my heart that I don't feel will fade anytime soon. I truly treasure the time we have been able to spend together throughout my life. 

You have been a year of memories. Mom and I went on the trip of the lifetime. We saw windmills, got rained on with the best of them, got our feet run over by the french, ate delicious chocolate, went to the top of europe. didn't miss a minute or an adventure, went in anne franks house and to a concentration camp, had deluxe bubble baths, got lost in Brugge, saw a Michelangelo, ate liege waffles and fries with curry ketchup and mayo, stood on the beaches of normandy, ventured to mont st michel, trekked through Versailles, climbed down the Eiffel tower, went to the louvre and met dear friends---mona, venus and winged victory, ordered a croque monsieur, gazed at the real matterhorn, got schooled on how to really do fondue, saw european rainbows, bought german shoes, went on long train rides, skated in a glacier, transcribed swiss english dialects, saw lots of waterfalls, ate tons of cheese, sneezed my way through switzerland and france, learned that i loved germany and treasured having my mom by my side the whole time! We had a blast!

Lots of friends got married this year and had babies. You sat in sealings and cried with the best of them. You held sweet babes of dear friends. You kayaked, read books, sewed some quilt squares. You enjoyed the beauty of the cabin and fresh cut flowers. You made incredible new friends. You went to insitute. You discovered great new restaurants with great new friends. You went house hunting...oh you went house hunting. You got your finances together, made big decisions and bought a house! You moved, painted, refinished, organized, cleaned, decorated and lived real life! You learned to do things on your own, go things on your own and learned to just be yourself by yourself! You went to new places like antelope island and cliff and wade lakes. You strove to radiate in every sense of the word. While you haven't embodied that as much as you'd have hoped, you have tried. 

Twenty-eight, you've taught me valuable lessons. A couple of which are: 

We all wish our circumstances were different in one way or another. Fortnately, our current circumstances are not our eternal circumstances. 

Don't look back, it's not where you're going. 

Twenty-nine...I can't wait to see where you take me!