I delight in allowance.

Today I got some pretty thrilling news.  I passed my last class of grad school AND I had a pretty fantastic job interview with a verbal job offer!  As a result of these two events, I have been thinking about all sorts of new things today that made me really excited.

After a while, I thought, "Wow, all these thoughts are making me so happy!  Why wasn't I thinking about these things before?"  And that's when it occurred to me, I couldn't/didn't allow myself think these things until I 1) Knew my grade was good enough to graduate (because I'm a worrier about all things legit and not so much) and 2) Had a pretty secure job offer.  Now that I have both those things, I have finally allowed myself to think beyond what I have been letting myself think of (the aforementioned 1 and 2).  I have not been thinking about actually working as an SLP (for money with benefits), moving, shopping, traveling, or any of those things that I am now allowing myself to think of since I know in due time its all going to finally come around.  So many good options are out there!  I'm so excited!

Since this "ah-ha" I have been debating whether my' waiting to allow myself to divulge in these thoughts of the future' was a good thing.  Not that I can change it, I think its just how I handle such situations.  However I now hope I am able to face things with a much needed different perspective, especially since real life is ahead, facing me full on.

And so, here's to what is ahead.
Here's to allowing myself to look to the future with hope and not reservation.
Here's to great adventures of all sorts.  There are still a lot of decisions to be made, but that's not the part I'm worried about.  Prayer works.  Trying on decisions is the way I've figured a lot of things in the past and I'm grateful for God's consistency of character in allowing me to recognize Him in the ways I always have.

Life begins at the intersection.

I delight in decision making trainings.

Today my thoughts have centered around past decisions I have made and upcoming decisions I have yet to make.

As I've thought about how I am going to make the next set of major decisions in my life, I turned to my file of favorite talks. The talk that jumped out at me was, "Discerning the Will of the Lord for Me" by LaNae Valentine. My dear friend Carly gave a copy of this talk to me back in the day when I was trying to decide where I was going to go to college. I was so glad for the things I learned back then, and I'm grateful for the things I continued to learn as I read this BYU devotional address again today. (All the quotes, are from this AMAZING BYU devotional given 29 June 2004.)

Okay, so...[some] kinds of choices are easy: What brand of cereal should I buy? What color of pants should I wear? Who should I ask out this weekend? Should I watch TV or read the scriptures? Should I go to Relief Society or go shopping? But what about those more difficult choices: Where should I go to college? What should I study? What should my profession be? Should I go to graduate school? Which job offer should I take? Where should I live? Whom should I marry?

In my copy of the talk, I had underlined the questions I was most concerned with when I read this talk back in 2005 (see italicized). I survived those questions, and the question regarding graduate school. But now...I'm on to the next 2 questions.

"Which job offer should I take?"

AND

"Where should I live?"

While I don't have any job offers yet, I'm going to apply for some jobs soon. And I really need to decide where I'm going to live and what population I want to work with.

And so,

...

When it comes to big decisions, you don’t want to make a mistake. Sometimes I have wondered why the Lord doesn’t just tell us what to do concerning the big things. The answer is simple: If we are going to become as God is, we will have to learn to make decisions—even decisions of great importance—on our own initiative.

...

Elder Bruce R. McConkie notes,
And so we’re faced with two propositions. One is that we ought to be guided by the spirit of inspiration, the spirit of revelation. The other is that we’re here under a direction to use our agency, to determine what we ought to do on our own; and we need to strike a fine balance between these two. . . .There’s a fine balance between agency and inspiration. We’re expected to do everything in our power and then to seek an answer from the Lord, a confirming seal that we’ve reached the right conclusion. [Bruce R. McConkie, “Agency or Inspiration?” New Era, January 1975, 39, 41]

Even though this process seems quite clear, I have struggled with striking this balance between agency and inspiration. At one extreme, I have felt that the Lord has more important things to do than listen to my concerns. This attitude has at times fostered a spirit of pride and a propensity to not seek His input at all and to just do things my own way. On the other extreme sometimes I have been paralyzed into inaction, unwilling to do anything without an answer from the heavens. How can we avoid relying too much on our intellectual powers while ignoring the Spirit, or expecting spiritual solutions while ignoring our own power to reason things out for ourselves?

President Marion G. Romney described how he has found this balance:
When confronted with a problem I prayerfully weigh in my mind alternative solutions and come to a conclusion as to which of them is best. Then in prayer I submit to the Lord my problem, tell him I desire to make the right choice, [and] what is, in my judgment, the right course. Then I ask him if I have made the right decision to give me the burning in my bosom that He promised Oliver Cowdery. When enlightenment and peace come into my mind, I know the Lord is saying yes. If I have a “stupor of thought,” I know he is saying no, and I try again, following the same procedure. When we learn to distinguish between the inspiration that comes from the Spirit of the Lord and that which comes from our own uninspired hopes and desires, we need make no mistakes. [Marion G. Romney, “Q&A: Questions and Answers,” New Era, October 1975, p. 35]

...

How do we discern the burning in the bosom from the stupor of thought? What is a stupor of thought? Sometimes I feel like I’m always in a stupor of thought. I looked up the word stupor in the dictionary and found the descriptions a “dazed state, a . . . lack of mental alertness” (Encarta World English Dictionary, s.v. “stupor”). Other descriptors are sluggish, numbness, absence of the ability to move or feel, apathy, languidness, dullness, or not feeling inspired to go forward. I was struck by the depressive mood created by all of these words. There is nothing inspiring, exciting, or comforting about any of them.

Contrast the stupor descriptors with words describing the Spirit: enlightens, enlivens, quickens, enlarges, expands, purifies, inspires, fills the soul with light, peace, love, clarity, and joy (see Parley P. Pratt, Key to the Science of Theology, 9th ed. [1965], 101). Other descriptors of how the Spirit confirms our course are “much assurance,” “peace to your mind,” “confidence wax strong,” and “feel that it is right.”

Even though we must all learn how the Spirit speaks to us individually, I found these descriptions to be helpful in making righteous choices. Growing in our ability to receive revelation is like learning a new language or learning to play a musical instrument. We must practice diligently for a long time before we feel comfortable with it. We must be patient with ourselves, recognize that we might have some setbacks, and persist until we become masters at recognizing a witness of the Spirit.

...

(Sister Valentine then goes on to discuss 6 barriers that might interfere with our ability to receive personal revelation. Today number 2 spoke to my soul)

...

2. We haven’t learned how to listen.

In his book The Lost Art of Listening, Michael Nichols states, “True listening has become a rarity in modern life.” We live in a noisy, busy, hurried world and rarely take the time to listen. He notes that listening is so basic that many of us take it for granted and think we’re better listeners than we really are. In reality most of us hear only what we want to hear or what we have trained our minds to hear. He notes that good listening takes effort and can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves and with our needs (Michael P. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening [New York: The Guilford Press, 1995]).

When it comes to communicating with the Lord, these obstacles to listening can be difficult to surmount. After we have studied, pondered, and prayed, we must listen carefully to our Heavenly Father or we will miss His answers. Elder Boyd K. Packer notes, “The voice of the Spirit is a still, small voice—a voice that is felt rather than heard” (Boyd K. Packer, “The Cloven Tongues of Fire,” Ensign, May 2000, 8). If we are not in a quiet, still place when we approach Him, we might not hear or feel His answers. That quiet, still place must extend to our state of mind. The Spirit has difficulty impressing a busy, racing, anxious mind. More often than not, whisperings of the Spirit will go unheard if we are too busy to listen.

In addition, we live in a time when many of us turn to addictive substances and behaviors such as television, shopping, eating, computer games, surfing the Internet, and busyness for comfort and avoidance from the problems and stressors of life. These habits can desensitize us and deaden our sensibilities to the promptings and feelings of the Spirit. Plus, much of our modern day entertainment with its increase in stimulation, gratification, and indulgence is offensive to the Spirit.

We each could ask ourselves: What could I turn off, turn down, or tune out in order to hear the voice of the Spirit in my life? Am I doing anything in my life that is offensive to the Spirit and preventing the Holy Ghost from being my constant companion? Is there anything I could eliminate from my busy life so that I would have more time to be still, to study scriptures, ponder, and pray?

...

After reading this section, I recognized that since January, I have been more "run here, run there" than ever before. Grad school has been full of "busy" but I was better at making quiet moments count. These moments included: time to time "quiet drives" to or from school with no radio or phone calls, quiet journal/scripture time, and regular trips to the temple. Recently, I seem to have "given up/given away" my quiet times. The times when I could be listening to what the Lord has to teach me. And so, today I am asking myself, "What could I turn off, turn down, or tune out in order to hear the voice of the Spirit in my life?" and "Is there anything I could eliminate from my busy life so that I would have more time to be still, to study scriptures, ponder and pray?

Since reading number 2, I have yet to make it to the others, but this has given me something to think about and reason to change.

Yesterday in Stake Conference, Elder Nash of the Quorum of the Seventy explained that the spirituality of human beings is like a sine wave. A horizontal line through that sine wave signifies the level to which we feel compelled to "do" something because of what we know (in my words, change behaviors match our feelings). Then he said, hopefully as LDS members, who keep covenants, our sine wave is progressing up as we are edified and lifted by the Spirit. It still goes up and down but it is moving in an overall upward direction.

As we respond to the Spirit to make proper decisions in the way, fashion and manner that the Lord would have us do, I know that all things work together for our good. I can receive the revelation I need to make decisions regarding my life...big decisions or small decisions, the Lord is there and he cares.

I delight in "instead of classroom."

source

Today was the day I felt like I'd been waiting for all my life. I've loved my major since the moment I saw the purple paper 5 years ago. I loved it before then, I just didn't realize what my major was going to be yet. You see, 5 years ago about this time of year I decided I hated my "then" major of business. I still love business and love when people discover I am business savvy enough to discuss the basics. However, at the time I felt like that field was going to be too self-serving for me. I needed to focus in a different direction.

I then embarked on the journey that most freshmen students embark on--the search for a major. I remember going to various buildings on BYU campus and checking out their advisement centers. I took some "career tests" all of which told me I should look into service type careers which wasn't specific enough as I already knew that much. Ever since I was little I can always remember wanting a job where I "helped people." I met with various academic counselors but the day I wandered into the McKay Education building is the one I remember the most. I was looking at the "major/minor" flow charts to see what majors required in regards to classes. That's when I pulled out the purple paper labeled, "Speech Pathology and Audiology." I'd never before considered it as a major/job/future profession, even though I'd been exposed to it since I was little thanks to Craig and LB. In that instant, I knew that was my future. I signed up to talk with a counselor and told her that day I wanted to change my major--I think she thought I was a little rash and told me to think about it before officially declaring it but I insisted.

I remember when she told me I'd need a masters degree. That didn't excite me, it horrified me but I knew it was what I wanted to do enough that I thought...well I'll deal with that later.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm at the end of the road (well almost) in terms of schooling (at least for now ;). I've spent years in classrooms but today I was on the job. It was one of the most edifying, exhilarating days of my life. I was more excited than nervous--heck, I even ate breakfast this morning (that is saying something for a person whose nerves regularly get the best of them). Needless to say, it was a fantastic day. I met fantastic people. Have a absolutely fantastic supervisor. And honestly, I just feel so blessed. Blessed to be able to be here. Blessed to know what I know and to have had the path literally open up for me to be here. It is not a coincidence. I have seen the Lord's hand in it all every single step of the way.

Today felt like a checkpoint. One of those times when I really felt like, well Heavenly Father, I'm here. And it is like he says, that's right where you're supposed to be. I seek these moments of confirmation. Seek and ye shall find.

I delight in the whole plan.

I'd heard it from Sister Oaks once, but I needed to hear it again. (Experience it here.)

When we came to earth, the plan of salvation or as I prefer to call it, the great plan of happiness was the plan we signed on for. Fortunately for us it is not a partial plan--it is a whole plan, an eternal plan. You signed up for the whole plan!

It is important to remember this 'whole plan' idea so we don't get lost in all the small moments. Earlier today, I was feeling very behind. It seemed to me that everyone around me was/is moving on to all sorts of great, new adventures. Adventures I might be a little jealous of as I currently find myself far removed from their various situations in life. As my day progressed and I spent time at the Children's Center, wrapping my arms around sweet children, ever in need of love and then later with an inspiring client of mine, I felt my heart being softened and my horizon being widened.

"Why should you mourn or think your lot is hard? Tis' not so, all is right."

This is one of my favorite hymns--Come, Come Ye Saints. Whenever I hear it, I think about my Grandma Bandley. You see, I used to play the organ for her. Now I am not an organ player--at all. But when she was in later stages of Alzheimer's Disease, I would stay with her while Grandpa ran errands. I had 2 choices--answer the same questions over and over and over regarding when "Daddy" was going to be home and where he went or play the organ. I did a bit of both, but I began to love plunking out my favorite hymns by ear. Surprisingly one day, as I played Come, Come Ye Saints, Grandma said the words at the end, "All is well. All is well."

She had not spoken my name in 2 years but she remembered the words to a hymn? As I have long considered this--what I claim as--a special tender moment in my life and the value of trials--I continue to recognize that each of our paths to eternity is different but is it SO different from the next? The way we "live the plan" and our individual experiences are different--but the principles, the virtues, the lessons, the faith required, the qualities--essentially they're the same. They make us stretch and grow, they make us uncomfortable sometimes as our situation can seem so far removed from those around us. But never fear--you signed up for the whole plan. Elder Jeffery R. Holland said it best when he said,

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

And so, as another piece of 'my path' worked out today, I became humbled knowing that He sees all the things that I can't see and He knows better than I how it will all play out. Yay for the whole plan!!!

I delight in believing.

Sometimes its hard to believe in the possibilities. But as this song puts it, "you gotta find someway, somehow to believe." And as you do, things will 'work together for you good.'

A door opened, and I went through it.

"A door opened, and I went through it." Its a quote from the Temple Grandin Movie: Thinking In Pictures. Its a movie I've talked a lot about here because its influenced my life in numerous ways. Today, that influence didn't come as I worked with clients or thought about the social skills group, in fact it came in thoughts that are completely unrelated to Autism. It came with regards to my own life.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe in patriarchal blessings. "Patriarchal blessings are given to worthy members of the Church by ordained patriarchs. Patriarchal blessings include a declaration of a person's lineage in the house of Israel and contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection (from here).

As I've reflected on the course and direction of life, I have recognized where God has opened the doors he said he would open in my patriarchal blessing. God keeps his promises. He wants a powerful people. And make no doubt about the fact that He is aware of where you are, what you're doing, and the potential you have.

Life is a series of doors. The doors symbolize choices. Some choices lead to locked doors, open doors, doors we have to knock at and wait, doors we have to pound at and then go search for a key, doors that have treasures behind them and doors that have mice behind them (I despise mice...worse than spiders or snakes), doors that lead to a comfy place to land for a while and doors that lead to mountains to climb before the next door becomes within sight.

Point of the story, life has a purpose. We're all on the journey to figure out more about our personal purpose or in other words, our divine mission. It may not be exactly as we hope or expect but it will work together for our good ('wotofoyogo"). As doors open, go through them. Discover what's in store in the abundant life.

I delight in November 2010.

November is one of my favorite months. Its been good to me this year and I want to share with you some brief experiences and delights I've had in this good month.

• Recognizing how complicated I make things sometimes and how unnecessary that is.
• Speak now. And say what you mean to say. Taylor and John say it best. Lots of potential issues could be resolved this way.
• One of the best decisions I made this month is the decision to step away from facebook. Its something I've thought long and hard about and its the right thing for me for right now. I say that because I want you to know that I don't think facebook is inherently bad and I don't judge anyone who uses it. For all I know the time will come when I'll come back to it but for now my choice is made. That being said, I do intend to be better at my personal communications with those I love and care about. And I do mean personal communication...letter writing is a lost art, phone calls out of the blue never go out of style and dropping by someones house needs to make a comeback.
• November taught me a thing or two about answers to prayers and how the spirit speaks to me.
• I've very much missed my mission this month because this is my first November being back in the hussle and bussel of things. I'm grateful to have a renewed perspective from those two years away of what matters in this season.
• 24...24 times in 24 hours. I've been waiting years for that.
• 18 days of being 24 with my big brother.
• I delighted a lot in my family this month. Good news from Dads doctors. Christin's cute card creation for my birthday. Craig showed me his 'secret place'--his safe spot in the church building. And Mom, bringing me a load of soup and oranges when I was sick.
• Finally eating at the long awaited Ganesh with Nat on my birthday. And running around downtown Ogden in a santa suit with her. An event I'll never forget.
• Spiritual experiences while reading the book of Isaiah.
• Sharing a great thanksgiving with my family and hearing all the things they're grateful for.
• Singing in the choir.
• Black Friday traditions.
• Snow.
• Being able to love, lift, and smile.
• Advent making with C & C.
• Amazing clinic experiences.
• And my final delight--not eating any more turkey sandwiches.